The last few weeks have gone surprisingly quickly, we've become use to Munchie's cast (which we've named Peggy), use to picking her up and feeling the cold, hard weight against my hip, and we've even become use to her using Peggy as a battering ram against the sides of her cot. But what I haven't been able to get use to is the constant explaining I have to do each time we go out or the funny looks we get, but above all I haven't been able to get use to the overwhelming sense of feeling so alone.
I've started to follow a few Mums on Twitter who are on similar journeys, signed up to the STEPS forum and started to look for groups/organisations in my local area. I'm trying to find companionship, trying to ease this sense of loneliness, trying to be strong and think solely of my daughter's needs and to find ways of making our journey the best it can be for her. But every now and again, just like now I want to hide, to look for something or someone to blame. I can't stop thinking about next week, can't stop over analysing, can't stop focusing on all the negative experiences I've read.
The part of the treatment we were dreading the most, the bit I couldn't bring myself to think about becomes a reality next week. We are currently on Peggy #3 and this will be Munchie's final cast which in itself is great news but in reality it means the treatment is moving up a gear and in my mind becomes even more restricting and far more challenging for my beautiful daughter. Next week, she goes from her cast to wearing boots and a bar for 23 hours a day out of 24. We have no idea how long this will last, it's normally 3 months from what I've read but Munchie isn't a normal case, so who knows how long it's going to take.
I'm trying so so hard to be positive, saying over and over again "it's not about me, it's all about her and her future", thinking of all the wonderful things she'll be able to do when the treatment is over. But right now I feel so negative, like a big black cloud is hanging over me taking away the sunshine, making me feel jealous of my friends and their babies with their perfect feet. Questions are spilling out of my head again making me feel dizzy, making me want to hide.
All I can hope for is that my amazing, smiley, happy little girl copes with this new journey just as well as she did with getting the cast.
I can identify with so much of what you've written here! I feel very jealous of others who don't have to go to hospital week after week, who get to bath their babies whenever they want, who don't have to constantly explain that no, their baby's leg isn't broken! Big hugs to you. I hope your daughter adjusts to BnB easily.
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